You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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