she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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