...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
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its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
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Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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