I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
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The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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