My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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