Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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