I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
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On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
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After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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