everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
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If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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