I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
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I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
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He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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