the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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