So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
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Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
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It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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