Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
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I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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