My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
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I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
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Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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