My liver just broke up with me...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
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Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
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I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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