Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
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He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
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My bed is full of blood and feathers
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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