Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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