The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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