I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
How does one acquire holy water?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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