I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
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The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
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I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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