was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
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fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
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He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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