I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
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you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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