Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
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Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
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My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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