She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
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We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
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Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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