I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
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I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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