That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
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My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
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She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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