I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
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It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
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I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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