I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just threw up on my dentist
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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