I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
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I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
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Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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