you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
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I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
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WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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