I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
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Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
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Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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