It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
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I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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