I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
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Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
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DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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