I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize