Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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