I wish my penis had an off switch
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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