i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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