Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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