I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
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You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
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Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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