Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize