When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
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I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
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I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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