I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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