matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
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Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
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For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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