Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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