Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
How naked do you want me to be?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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