I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i out mim tonsoeep
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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