If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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