Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
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If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
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His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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