I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
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I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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