your parents love me but you hate me
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
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Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
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Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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