I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
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It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
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At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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